mortimer

Aye, it’s a fucking shit show alright. Hide the cables behind some low wooden shelves under the TV and put all the devices on those shelves (drill holes in the back of the shelves for the cables to go through). Otherwise stick that big black hairy god-awful pimp carpet over the whole lot of it and velcro it to the wall. Also, you need to get a good plasterer. That back wall is a fucking disgrace.

Tom Hanks.

I’ve never seen a bad Tom Hanks movie.

“Is that Kung Fu?”

“No, he’s only had 2 pints.”

I can see an experiment coming on. Give your snake two dishes and see which it prefers.

Yeah, I can see that, but with a horse it’s more about training I would imagine. A punishment/reward system. With a dog it’s more buddy like. I’ve never really had to chastise my dog, other than perhaps a little shock value smack when he was a pup. As for rewards, it doesn’t even have to be a treat (although it helps). Sometimes his reward appears to be just seeing me smile or laugh, which brings me on to sense of humour. My dog certainly has a sense of humour and knows what’s funny.

All that aside, I wouldn’t want a horse jumping up and sitting on my knee.

Dogs are way more smarter than we give them credit for. They are the only animal that has been able to establish a relationship with humans to such a close degree, having evolved alongside us for tens of thousands of years.

I don’t look at my dog Rocket as my pet, but rather as my best friend whom I rely on daily.

A while ago I didn’t want him to get overly excited when I said the word “walk”, so I started spelling it out instead. Didn’t take him long to figure out it was the same thing.

It’s not just a monologue either. He responds in ways that have subtle differences depending on how you say something and the intonation of what is said.

No other animal has even come close to creating such a close co-existence with humans. I’d go so far as to say they are better than most humans. People can be wankers, but a good dog will always have your back if treated with kindness and respect.

Young.

I got caught once by a speed camera doing 65 in a 50 zone. The camera was in an unmarked van parked on the motorway lay-by (conveniently just after some temporary road works). A few days later the postman delivers a fine in the mail, so I ignored it as it wasn’t sent by recorded delivery (so no proof of receipt). Now, by law in the UK, the police have 21 days to inform you of the offence and three weeks later I get another letter from the cops informing me that I have an unpaid fine. So I write to them and tell them that I never received it and that I have no recollection of being on that road. They then send me photographic evidence of my car being caught at 65 mph in a 50 zone and that I am obliged, by law, to declare who was driving. I write back and inform them that it was so long ago I have no memory of who might have been the designated driver, let alone even being on that road, and that because more than 21 days have passed they have failed to inform me of the offence. They write back with some nonsense about having proof that the letter was sent, but I argue that this isn’t proof of receipt and that I’d be guessing if I declared who I think might have been driving that day. Result being that I never heard from them again.