Give them a federally issued punch card and say after you lose 10 social security cards you get a free sub and chips combo

Avoid paying taxes with this one weird trick

You wouldn’t believe how long I’ve been waiting for a refund on this crappy copper I bought from Ea-nāṣir

The code could associate skipped or unskipped symbols with the location of stars in the sky at a distant point in time unknown to those trying to break the code

Boot-flavored Kool-aid

You can either be the unbothered dog in the burning café or burning dog in the unbothered café

Both are D. B. Cooper

1,000,000 ppm

It hurts people who aren’t in their arbitrary in-group, and they believe that is good. They believe any affliction to them by way of those harming the out-group is a necessary sacrifice to cleanse society of the evil sin of not being in their arbitrary in-group.

Budget isn’t really pinned down to a number. I don’t need anything top end so probably several hundred USD max ideally?

Usage is mostly internet. Background picture in picture for YouTube/Twitch would be great. I use apps to do banking and pay bills. Snapchat, email, and Google Suite are needed. Text/call and a web browser are given. I do occasional photography so a basic HD camera would be needed.

I use my phone most waking hours, even passively to play music while working or driving.

I am not a lawyer but this is just my read of The 25th Amendment. (Assuming normal times in which the president doesn’t command a vast cult) The 25th would probably be exercised since the president would be unable to perform his duties and discharge orders, so the Vice President would wield presidential powers without getting the title proper; this has happened before when the Prez has underwent anesthesia for routine medical procedures, but the Prez likely had written out that they would be incapacitated in advance. I don’t see anything that would apply here for the Prez to lose his title before his 4 year term expires since he wouldn’t be declared dead due to the sympathy the Gov and the People would have to rescue him. He would lose his title if the kidnappers allowed him to communicate that he is unable to fulfill his duties and discharge orders, but this might be considered invalid since it was conveyed under duress and would limit the push to rescue him.

[Edit: I could even see martial law being declared so the Gov could search civilians’ homes, etc., without reasonable cause in order to locate the Prez. We’d probably break doors down in other countries too.]

I assume I’m talking to either Nicolas Cage or Melakon?