- Gang up on hawks
- Get chased away by solitary bluejays and squirrels

Nobody speak, nobody get choked …

That’s the definition of tragedy: a great pizza ruined by literalism.

Last year I planted some pepper plants, jalapeno and (what I thought was) jabanero. The peppers on one of the jabanero plants had these tiny little bumps on them and they eventually turned red instead of the usual orange of the jabaneros. When I ate the red bumpy ones, it wasn’t so much that they were hot as it felt like I’d just been punched hard in the lips. I thought that they were just some kind of weird mutation, but it turns out they were actually Carolina Reapers that had been mislabeled at the plant store. I like hot food, but that shit was too much for me.

GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

I like how the only thing left of fucking New York City is made of iron and thin sheets of copper.

I remember when “make it obvious what can be clicked on and what can’t” was a basic design principle. That one got tossed a long time ago.

Helping my octogenarian mom with her iPhone is the most painful experience. She often calls me about something that has “popped up” in some app that she’s using. I tell her to just close it and she says “how?” I then say something like “just click the OK button … or the Done or Close buttons, that will be some unknown color … or click the X in the upper right or maybe the upper left corner … or click “Done” or “Close” in the toolbar, on the left or right sides … or maybe the thing has slid up from the bottom and you need to swipe down to get rid of it … or maybe you need to click the Home tab on the app’s bottom bar.”

I’ve actually been an iOS mobile developer for 15 years now. Anybody who thinks there’s any sort of consistent, intuitive design principles behind Apple products is insane.

Anthropology is another bad choice.

That laptop lol.

I’m a school bus driver and I regularly get infuriated by people who drive past me when I have my red flashers on and stop sign out, wishing there was a cop around. Only once so far have I gotten my wish … and unfortunately it was the cop driving past me at 40 mph just as some of my kids were about to cross the road. I looked down and saw him with his phone in his right hand and his left hand on the wheel, not paying the slightest attention to what was in front of him.

I’m lucky he didn’t run over any kids, because I probably would have gotten shot.