For me it was “Your mom looks like Gimli from Lord of the Rings.”. My best friend took a few seconds to process what I just said to him and then started crying laughing. Good times. I think it was the deadpan delivery that killed him.
Saturday before Easter… 17 or 18 year old kid was going on and on about how he couldn’t wait to get home so he could play Call of Duty all night, and this and that… lots of swearing, lots of talk about shooting and destruction.
Me: “I dunno man, don’t you have to be in bed early so the Easter Bunny will come?”
My nephew was trash talking me about Mario Kart talking about how he’d smoke me because he had been playing it so long.
My reply “I was playing this before you were born”
Tried a new Italian place in town and told everyone at work it was: “Chef Boyardee at Olive Garden prices”
In highschool I was in shop class with some idiots that were messing around with a running table saw. The teacher saw the obvious kick back danger and swooped down on them with an angry “Hay! Do you want to have kids?!”. Before I could stop myself I said “Damn, you should at least buy them dinner first.”
He was not amused, but I am still proud of the one time in my life I was quick witted enough to come up with something funny on the spot. It’s been so years 30 years since, and nothing has come close.
Not me but in way back in high school I saw a comeback I’ll never forget. I’ll call them John and Bob.
John was teasing Bob in a mock flirting way. Bob was uncomfortable and told John to stop it.
John says “what’s the matter, aren’t you secure in your sexuality?”
Bob instantly replies “absolutely, but I’m not secure in yours”
My favorite all-time insult was laid upon me by my soon-to-be ex:
“Well look at you! You ain’t nothin’! You’re scrawny, you’re an alcoholic and if you didn’t have such a big dick you wouldn’t be worth nothin’!”
Never had an insult shut me the fuck up, instantly. I mean, that really hit home.
